baby woes

hi all. i've got a cute little one in my arm, (12 days!) so i am typing this one handed. you'll have to excuse the typos. please.

[ i love holding babies. ]

i had promised a more in depth post regarding the train of thought i've had lately in my time with the Lord. Meeting with the Lord has so many aspects to. You could really talk about them forever.

consider the following scenario:

a lot of times i want to meet with the Lord, so i grab my Bible, sit down in a corner and say, "Ok God. I'm here. show up!" I wait a bit, open my Bible, read a bit, and....sit there. At this point i get a little frustrated and start to wonder why the Lord is not showing Himself to me. Somtimes, I get up and leave, defeated, to frustrated to keep trying. Other times i sit there, continue to stew.
and wait.

Why doesn't the Lord show up?

Lately the Lord has been teaching me (again) about positioning. I'm not talking ballet poses, although I do love those, but rather how I prepare myself to meet with the Lord. You see, in the scenario above, I was physically prepared to meet with the Lord, but most likely my heart was lacking.

The position of my heart matters when I am trying to meet with the Lord! When I come to Him and demand His presence because I'm ready now, it shows that my heart is selfish and demanding. It shows that I am thinking of my needs first. It says that I think that I am important. It says that I think I am more important than the Lord.

Whoa. How did we get there? Very quickly.

It's easy as humans to come to the Lord all flustered, all hurried, thinking of the next place we have to be, without regard to the feelings, wants and needs of the Lord. You don't come to the Lord just for you. Jesus desires a relationship with us. Relationships require two. It requires two that place one another above themselves. It requires that one think of the needs and wants of the other. In essence, it requires a marriage covenant type relationship. One in which you die to yourself to prefer the other person.

Now, that's hard. We are sinful people, full of flesh, constantly in battle with our flesh and spirit natures. Sometimes, you just have to remind yourself of the truth. Sometimes I just have to read myself the riot act. Lovingly.

Kristen, where we you when the Lord laid the foundation of the earth?
Kristen, who forgave you yesterday and forgives you today?
Kristen, who has made you clean?
Kristen, whose faithfulness stretches across ALL generations?

Kristen, remember that His ways are higher than your ways.
Kristen, remember that you don't know everything, that you aren't perfect.
Kristen, remember the compassion of the Lord, that He wept.
Kristen, what does His heart beat for?
Kristen, what does the Lord want for today?

Suddenly, instead of standing above the Lord, foot tapping, demanding, I find myself positioned entirely different. I find myself sitting at the feet of Jesus, head bowed, repentent of my sinful nature. My heart open to just see Him, touch Him, feel Him.

In this position, I don't want something FROM Him, I want Him. In this position, I place myself under Him. Under His authority, under His leadership, under His care, under His covering.

It's not always easy to get there. Tonight, I find it hard. I am tired, cranky, emotional and know that I won't be getting much sleep in the next immediate 20 hours.

However emotionally hard the positioning process is, just know that it doesn't take much physically or in time. All it took for this girl, was one tired sleepy post at 4am that she didn't want to write.

My heart is reminded and I am thankful. [deeply]