Friday, January 15, 2010

Learning to Trust

A few weeks ago, Justin and I had a large fight and I ended up crying on the floor in our bedroom.

[Don't be too alarmed, I always end up crying on the floor. It makes me feel dramatically justified when I sit on the floor. Makes me feel more pathetic or something, I don't know. It's a quirk. Don't you love those?]

As I was sitting there with my Kleenex, I tried to figure out why I was crying so hard. Why was I reacting so emotionally to, truthfully, a small disagreement? The truth came out when Justin and I talked a little bit later. I was trying to explain why I was so upset when flying out of my mouth came, "How many fights can we have before you don't want to come home anymore?"

Shocking, but it matched what I had said earlier in the month right before Justin's granddad's funeral, when after a fight I looked at him and said, "I just don't know what I would do if I lost you."

I was struggling with trust. It's a difficult thing, not just sometimes, but I think all the time. Especially when people you love are involved. Loving anyone requires trusting the Lord with them. It also requires learning to trust them.

The Lord has really challenged me in this recently. I realized I was carrying a lot of stress, worrying about whether Justin would come home safe, worrying that I might make him really mad and he wouldn't want to be married anymore. The Lord was calling me to lay it all down at His feet. So I started praying, I started reading Matthew 6 and I started talk to Justin about it.

Through it all, the Lord gave me peace overflowing through everything. I remembered that He is good and faithful and above ALL things. That He loves me, and that is the most important thing. He reminded me of just how faithful He's been and how trustworthy He is. Remembering all of this, I felt loved and full of His peace. I can trust Him not only with myself, but now with Justin.

As we talked, Justin reassured me. That he loves me and that he's not going anywhere. His response to my shocking statements mentioned above were perfect. He looked at me, hugged me and said, "Just because we're fighting does not mean that I don't love you. I love you. I am not going anywhere. We're going to be married for a very long time."

I think the two men in my life are amazing and so patient with me. I am so grateful for the Lord AND to the Lord for Justin. Learning to trust now that I'm married has been a beautiful and hard thing, but it's been worth it. SO worth it.

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