I am up, it is 4:18 am and I am not at work. Liberating. It feels like a big deep breath of fresh air that I am up and I have nothing to do. Nothing that needs done at 4:18 in the morning that is.
I feel refreshed. I've needed that this last week.
I feel happy. I've have blunted feelings this week.
I feel awake. I've felt constantly tired and sick this week.
I feel the Lord. I've felt hard and bitter this week.
A big deep breath of fresh air. That's what this time is to me and I love it. I spent yesterday afternoon after church exploring the Oakland Library, giggling in the stacks, giddy with all the reading options. After I had chosen six (just six!) beautiful novel, I settled in at a park nearby, sitting on my blanket, reading a book, people watching and drawing yet more uncreated ideas in my sketchbook. I felt happy and it felt right. It was me, just me.
Church was really convicting and good for me yesterday. I needed to hear all of that, I needed my heart softened again like only my sweet Jesus can do. Have I mentioned lately that He's great? That He's all I need in the way of love? That His love is this ginormous, monstrous, amazingly warm, soft, firm wave that washes over you and pulls you underneath to drown you even though you struggle like a huge rip tide?
It's a happy drowning. Like this: "Please drown me today Lord. I need more of my silly, surfacy, human self washed away. I wanna not be able to breath today because of your presence and love." That kind of love is the kind that is worth drowning for. It's the kind that makes it worth it to give up your very self, to give up what you thought to be important, to give up your very life, hope, dreams and desires just to have it.
It all seems so simple in the quiet hours of the night. No demands, no people, no phone calls, few emails, no responsibility, just you and the Lord, thinking, pondering, dreaming, relating. Beautiful. Simple. What we don't do often enough. Our God is not this checklist God who makes us measure up before we can be counted as part of the family. We are not living in His house under probation. We are part of the family, good, bad, gentleness and wickedness, we're family. We're stuck with each other, because HE wants it that way.
He loves us. All the crazy, silly, quirky, not-right-in-the-head people that are His children. Fumbles, muddled dreams and all. We're His and you can't convince Him otherwise. Even if you run away, He always pulls you, aches for you, draws you back.
Life is simple with Jesus, don't make it complicated with sin.
-Says middle-of-the-night-Kristen, who will try to remember all this when she wakes up.